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Seven Things I Remembered About Marriage Because We Didn't Have a Nurse

October 15, 2015 by Ellen Moore Leave a Comment

The nurse didn’t show up last night. This seems like a statement you might make at a party when you realize a friend you were expecting didn’t attend. However the implications of a nurse not showing up are more substantial and have wider effects on our family. Of course they do. What’s interesting are the things I realized about marriage when it happened last night.

Brian and I typically kick into a really strong defense when this happens. In fact, oftentimes, I’ve thought Brian and I do better in the crisis than in the chronic.

“Do you need to sleep before I go to bed?” I asked him. Sometimes he does. Last night he didn’t. We don’t have to discuss who will stay up overnight and who gets the early shift. We used to, but it quickly became clear that he’s best overnight and I’m better in the early morning. Those roles work for us.

“OK, I’ll get up at 5 AM and you can go to sleep then.” It makes for an early day for me, and it lets him get to sleep while it’s still dark outside, making it much easier to fall asleep.

He ran to the RedBox to get a movie to help stay awake overnight. I managed Catherine’s oxygen levels and nebulizer treatments. Oh yeah, she’s sick right now and needs lots of extra attention. And then we parted ways to clock into our respective shifts.

At 5 AM, I came downstairs, hair unbrushed, eyes showing the tell-tale squint of someone who is being exposed to light well before her body is naturally ready for it. “How is she?”

“Fine, she’s on less oxygen.” Our supplier had brought new containers overnight because we realized we’d likely run out in the wee hours and Brian called to set up a delivery in the middle of the night. He gave me the rest of the report and I told him to sleep well as he kissed me before heading off to bed. He asked a question as he plodded up the stairs and my sleepy brain snapped back an answer in a tone of voice that made even my skin crawl. “Oops” I thought. And I never said anything more. Thirty minutes later, probably right when Brian was falling asleep, I had to interrupt him to find out when he last gave Tylenol or ibuprophen. We’d both forgotten that detail. He didn’t get upset with me for disturbing him as he was trying to go to sleep. We both realized it simply had to be done.

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The sun began to peek through the blinds and I gave meds, adjusted oxygen, started a feeding and plotted out when I needed to get Catherine up to make the bus on time. “I’m not used to doing this,” I thought and said a little prayer of thanks (yet again) for the nurses we have and the many times they do show up for us.

As I went through Catherine’s routine, using the checklist I made to be sure the nurses cover everything, I realized how much I’d learned about marriage just because we didn’t have a nurse last night.

  1. Ask the other person if support is needed or whether you can do something extra to make it a little easier on each other.
  2. Give report often – well, for most people this means to communicate often, and make sure you cover all the details.
  3. Find the roles that utilize your strengths the best and do those – whether you like it or not. Sometimes stuff just has to get done and you may as well do what you’re best at to push through it most efficiently.
  4. Know what it will take to enable you to do whatever needs to be done and make sure you do it. Take care of yourself and allow each other to do that. We knew a movie would help make it easier, so Brian went to get it and I let him.
  5. Plan ahead when you can to prevent stress as best you can. We realized about 9:00 PM that we’d possibly run out of oxygen early in the morning. Rather than risk it, we called the supplier to have them bring it overnight making the morning much less stressful for me.
  6. Don’t get upset with each other when it’s the situation that’s to blame.
  7. And always – and I do mean ALWAYS – kiss each other goodnight… no matter what time “goodnight” actually is.

Filed Under: Love Tagged With: marriage

Six Years Ago – Today

February 4, 2010 by Ellen Moore Leave a Comment

Think back.

What were you doing right now – exactly six years ago today?

Most of you won’t even remember. A few will. I certainly do.

If you were the nurse who made me promise not to be scared until you told me to be scared, you are telling me it’s time to be a little scared – and to call Brian.

If you were a NICU nurse on duty, you are prepping for one of your smallest arrivals – just a normal day for you, but not really.

If you were a NICU neonatologist, you are telling a new mom what to expect, knowing she can’t hear a word you are saying right now.

If you were my mom 500 miles away, you are getting a terrifying call and starting to pray.

If you were my husband, you are being told to put on dark blue scrubs and to stand “here” so you’ll  be out of the way.

If you were my OB, you are making decisions fast – probably not even realizing this one would hold a record for you.

If you were me, you are scared. And numb. A little excited. But mostly unaware of what is about to happen. Really unaware.

But –

If you were Catherine, you are thinking, “Hey, I know it’s early, but I love my Mommy and Daddy so much that I want to come out and meet them. Trust me. It’ll be alright.”

And it is.

Happy Birthday Catherine!

Filed Under: Love Tagged With: Birthday, hope, prematurity

The Stall at Bedtime

December 15, 2009 by Ellen Moore Leave a Comment

Sarah will always have one “stall tactic” that will work. Shhh, don’t tell her.

Last night, I came home from a day-trip to Atlanta on business. I had caught a cold and seems Sarah wasn’t feeling too well either. She didn’t even play our routine evening game: “Who gets kisses first?” “DADDY!” she usually screams. “Who gets kisses second?” “Cackie!” she’s taken to calling her sister. “Who gets kisses third?” At this point she usually screams and runs across the floor to a special spot in the kitchen where she giggles and squeals and waits for me to pick her up and cover her in kisses. But last night, she just sat in Brian’s arms and sucked her thumb and held BeBe close (her security blanket) and looked at me like I’d just invented this strange greeting.

I changed clothes, and Sarah decided she wanted to eat. We never want her to go to bed hungry, so Brian fixed chicken nuggets for her. Then she asked for strawberries. Then she told us she was all done. Then she changed her mind and decided she wanted applesauce. She didn’t eat much of any of it, and I realized she was stalling.

When she threw her spoon on the floor, she may as well have screamed “I’m all done here, people! Get me out of this highchair.” So I did. And we proceeded with the rest of our nighttime routine. Brush teeth. Read books. Kiss Daddy (though he had gone to get me medicine for my cold). Off to bed.

As we passed Catherine’s door, she looked in my eyes and said, “Prayers?” We usually say prayers with Catherine each night, but Catherine was in bed already when I got home. “We’re not saying prayers tonight, Sarah. Catherine is already in bed.” And then, the piercing cry, “Caaaackie! Caaaaackie!” while she reached up to the door handle and tried to turn it. How can I deny a sister’s love?

Sarah ran in and asked to be picked up and gave Catherine a kiss and hug and said, “I ov you.” As my heart melted, I decided some stalling is completely worth it. And then she went straight to bed.

Filed Under: Love Tagged With: Sarah, sibling, sister

Arms Reaching Out

July 18, 2009 by Ellen Moore Leave a Comment

Sarah has just starting reaching out for me. Of course, she’s reached up and for me for a long time. But I mean really reaching out – like in the sense of,  “I care about you.” Or in the sense of, “I really want to get close to you.” It’s not quite a hug. And it’s not needy. It’s more of a scramble into my body with her little arms and legs saying, “Let’s get closer.”

And I love it!

I especially love the juxtaposition of it against the lack of reaching out by Catherine. Catherine melts into my body. It’s very close and intimate. But there is no pulling and tightening toward me, so honestly, it feels a bit void. Catherine’s hugs are ones I place there. Sarah’s come of her own will. I know Catherine would hug me if she could. And one day, I hope she will. Today, I’m thankful for what I feel from Sarah.

Cheers,

Ellen

Filed Under: Love Tagged With: daughters, disabled kids, special needs

Hi, I’m Ellen

I’m just a mom making my way, but my way is a little different. And yet, very much the same. I have a 13-year-old daughter, Catherine, who was born at 25 weeks and weighed one pound, nine ounces. Despite a very severe brain bleed, she lived and inspires me every day with all she works so hard to do... Read More…

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