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One Thing That Will Keep a Marriage Healthy

November 5, 2015 by Ellen Moore Leave a Comment

We’re down to one nurse working 2 nights all week. If you didn’t do well in math, that means we have 71.42% of the week without overnight nurse coverage. I have a friend with a severely disabled child, and she is not sure she even wants nursing. For us, I’ve been known to say it’s the single most important support we have for Catherine and our family.

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Before we got nursing, for the first 3 years of Catherine’s life, Brian stayed awake 22 hours each day. I would get up early before work, and he would go to sleep for 2 hours before I left for the office and then he’d drag himself out of bed and be responsible for Catherine all day. Some of my cutest memories are walking in after work to see her sleeping on his chest. He’s sleeping, too. How could he not? Then he would sleep all day on the weekend to try to make up for what he lost through the week.

I remember desperately trying to get overnight nursing arranged for Catherine. So many forms to complete. So much anxiety. I’ve told folks I always felt like it was what I imagined a drug deal would be like. Very secretive. Not clearly understood except by those “in the know.” And lots of concern that one wrong move would be catastrophic. I still fear we’ll lose nursing somehow. Budget cuts are rampant. Someone might decide she’s no longer eligible. Impossible to believe that, right? The thought haunts me.

I hadn’t really thought about “losing nursing” by not having the shifts staffed. The result is nearly the same. The bottom line is that when we don’t have nursing shifts covered, one of us has to stay awake overnight and make sure Catherine is safe and cared for well. As we face that reality, I think about the effects of not having enough sleep. Sure, you can read about it on websites – irritability, obesity, loss of short-term memory, reduced immune defense. No one writes about the effects we experienced when we dealt with this chronically during the early part of Catherine’s life. The hardest part of not having nurse coverage and not getting enough sleep is that it puts tremendous stress on a marriage.

When we don’t sleep, we lose patience with each other. We don’t make good decisions. We can’t remember what we planned to do and we have little awareness of what might cause frustration. God knows we can’t really be helpful. We get sick and place more demands on each other. We eat poorly. We fight. We don’t talk. We don’t have energy for anything that’s not mission critical. It’s ugly. And I don’t like it one bit.

My marriage is my most important blessing in my life. I adore Brian. I want him to be happy. I want us to laugh and celebrate our 60th anniversary. In fact, I just wrote that on a goal sheet entitled, “In my life, I will…” So, faced with the possibility of a nursing shortage of more than 71% for our family, I’m trying to figure out how I’ll protect our marriage and keep our family functioning well. I keep reminding myself that we haven’t actually LOST nursing. We’re in a tough spot, that’s all. It shouldn’t last forever. There is hope every day that our agency will find new nurses who can care for Catherine well and stay awake. And without even knowing it – they’ll also keep our marriage and family healthy.

Filed Under: Hope Tagged With: marriage

Seven Things I Remembered About Marriage Because We Didn't Have a Nurse

October 15, 2015 by Ellen Moore Leave a Comment

The nurse didn’t show up last night. This seems like a statement you might make at a party when you realize a friend you were expecting didn’t attend. However the implications of a nurse not showing up are more substantial and have wider effects on our family. Of course they do. What’s interesting are the things I realized about marriage when it happened last night.

Brian and I typically kick into a really strong defense when this happens. In fact, oftentimes, I’ve thought Brian and I do better in the crisis than in the chronic.

“Do you need to sleep before I go to bed?” I asked him. Sometimes he does. Last night he didn’t. We don’t have to discuss who will stay up overnight and who gets the early shift. We used to, but it quickly became clear that he’s best overnight and I’m better in the early morning. Those roles work for us.

“OK, I’ll get up at 5 AM and you can go to sleep then.” It makes for an early day for me, and it lets him get to sleep while it’s still dark outside, making it much easier to fall asleep.

He ran to the RedBox to get a movie to help stay awake overnight. I managed Catherine’s oxygen levels and nebulizer treatments. Oh yeah, she’s sick right now and needs lots of extra attention. And then we parted ways to clock into our respective shifts.

At 5 AM, I came downstairs, hair unbrushed, eyes showing the tell-tale squint of someone who is being exposed to light well before her body is naturally ready for it. “How is she?”

“Fine, she’s on less oxygen.” Our supplier had brought new containers overnight because we realized we’d likely run out in the wee hours and Brian called to set up a delivery in the middle of the night. He gave me the rest of the report and I told him to sleep well as he kissed me before heading off to bed. He asked a question as he plodded up the stairs and my sleepy brain snapped back an answer in a tone of voice that made even my skin crawl. “Oops” I thought. And I never said anything more. Thirty minutes later, probably right when Brian was falling asleep, I had to interrupt him to find out when he last gave Tylenol or ibuprophen. We’d both forgotten that detail. He didn’t get upset with me for disturbing him as he was trying to go to sleep. We both realized it simply had to be done.

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The sun began to peek through the blinds and I gave meds, adjusted oxygen, started a feeding and plotted out when I needed to get Catherine up to make the bus on time. “I’m not used to doing this,” I thought and said a little prayer of thanks (yet again) for the nurses we have and the many times they do show up for us.

As I went through Catherine’s routine, using the checklist I made to be sure the nurses cover everything, I realized how much I’d learned about marriage just because we didn’t have a nurse last night.

  1. Ask the other person if support is needed or whether you can do something extra to make it a little easier on each other.
  2. Give report often – well, for most people this means to communicate often, and make sure you cover all the details.
  3. Find the roles that utilize your strengths the best and do those – whether you like it or not. Sometimes stuff just has to get done and you may as well do what you’re best at to push through it most efficiently.
  4. Know what it will take to enable you to do whatever needs to be done and make sure you do it. Take care of yourself and allow each other to do that. We knew a movie would help make it easier, so Brian went to get it and I let him.
  5. Plan ahead when you can to prevent stress as best you can. We realized about 9:00 PM that we’d possibly run out of oxygen early in the morning. Rather than risk it, we called the supplier to have them bring it overnight making the morning much less stressful for me.
  6. Don’t get upset with each other when it’s the situation that’s to blame.
  7. And always – and I do mean ALWAYS – kiss each other goodnight… no matter what time “goodnight” actually is.

Filed Under: Love Tagged With: marriage

Hi, I’m Ellen

I’m just a mom making my way, but my way is a little different. And yet, very much the same. I have a 13-year-old daughter, Catherine, who was born at 25 weeks and weighed one pound, nine ounces. Despite a very severe brain bleed, she lived and inspires me every day with all she works so hard to do... Read More…

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